To the Religious Republican Right:
What with all the uproar recently surrounding the gay community and the issue of our rights to marry, adopt children, and so forth, you have consistently informed us of your arguments with such reasoned clarity and beautiful phrasing (my personal favorite was the eloquent "Them gays just ain't right!") that we see no other option but to come clean. We must drop the ridiculous pretense that we of the gay community are citizens like any other, deserving of equal rights and privileges, since you have unequivocally proven this to be false. You have produced a source of such unquestioned legitimacy and historical accuracy that to argue with it seems futile, especially when it's condemnations of homosexual behavior are so universally applicable and so clearly damning of any variant or deviant sexual behavior. We must seek instead to impregnate our daughters in law as Judah did, marry our siblings like Abraham and Sarah, sleep with our father like Lot's daughters did, or have sex with sheep and goats like Laban. Only in this adherence to acceptable values will we be embraced as full citizens, worthy of the Christian tradition of love, sex, and marriage.
We also concede that you are correct in your accusations of us brainwashing the young. The pinnacle of our ambitions would be to have each and every student in primary school stand up and recite a poem every single morning emphasizing a belief in homosexual behavior as the savior of this country. We have not yet been successful, our efforts being impeded by the existence of a certain poem already serving a similar function, especially since that poem is universally acknowledged as a perfect representation of every American's religious beliefs. We have also sought to vigorously recruit every young child or adolescent with the promise of complete acceptance, universal praise, and the overwhelming joy of each family member upon a declaration of homosexuality. We have beguiled them with stories of professional promotion and social approbation if they publicly declare themselves to be gay. Such a picture of complete harmony and happiness has doubtless led many young people to fake homosexual feelings they do not possess in the search for inclusion and acceptance among society in general. We apologize for the manner in which this has doubtless affected you, who can offer them nothing but the social ridicule and unreasoning hatred of many, with no reward but the knowledge that they are being true to themselves when they claim to be straight.
We acknowledge that in seeking to gain equal marriage rights with every other citizen and participate in local government, we are obviously intent upon overthrowing the very fabric of society itself. Trying to gain representation through legal means is obviously our clever method of showing utter contempt for all legality. We have shamelessly courted public opinion by appealing to public fear and irrationality, by blaming straight people for ruining the family, and by using a crusade against heterosexuality as a platform for all of our devious political means.
The obvious conclusion of this, an open letter to all, is a complete concession to everything we have been accused of. Despite the time that all of us must devote to running households, managing careers, and raising children, we have somehow found endless hours to devote to the creation of a nationwide organization bent on destroying all heterosexual couples. The dedication of individual gay couples to subverting the heterosexual family is truly amazing, especially because we do it so well as to leave no evidence at all that we even dislike heterosexual families. Some of us even claim to like them, or to see them as no more and no less than people like any other! Such is the power of illusion and deception, for you have known the truth all along, and were quite right in disbelieving everything that we said or did that contradicted your predetermined view of us, no matter how ordinary we might have seemed. For of course, therein lies the danger! If everyday Americans could see us as ordinary human beings picking up the groceries or baking cookies for the school bake sale, they might forget that we are a blight on society, and instead focus on less important problems like poverty, starvation, or terminal illness relief. They might forget the horrible people we are, when we teach their children how to read or raise money for the blood drive. They might look at a gay person and see simply a person, their son or daughter, cousin, mother, sister, brother, friend, neighbor. They might actually learn tolerance. You have made clear the dangers of tolerance.
So we end this letter with a plea for you to forgive us. Forgive us for trying to gain acceptance for something that is so clearly unacceptable. Forgive us for loving someone we are not supposed to love. Forgive us for being ourselves, the embodiment of what you insist is an abomination. Forgive us, for we are doing our damndest to forgive you.
Sincerely,
The Gay Community
